


Cold Water

by morningmaple (yukiscorpio)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Manga Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-18
Updated: 2014-01-19
Packaged: 2018-01-02 00:44:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1050514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yukiscorpio/pseuds/morningmaple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in a situation where the titans have effectively won, and what remains of humanity struggle to survive. This is about how people relate and handle one another when all is lost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Good morning."

He's already out of bed and straightening out his harness when I get to the room. He's been wearing the straps on his thighs one notch tighter since a week ago. I make no comment, and do not offer to help him put on the rest of the manoeuvre gear. It's slow, but I think we can afford the time today.

"Good morning," I reply, my gaze shifting towards the window for a moment. It is a good morning. Things seem relatively quiet. It'd rained during the night so the air smells fresher and slightly less of death.

"So where is my coffee?"

I give him a "do you wish to die?" look and watch him chuckle before walking in and surprising him with the fact that I do have coffee with me. He takes it with him to the window and I join him, looking out.

"You do make the best coffee."

I have made coffee for him a grand total of two times in the years we've known each other. This is the second. The first was after he returned from retrieving Eren Yeager and got an arm bitten off in the process. It was a messy surgery; he'd bled so much by the time he returned to the wall that they weren't sure if he was going to make it.

"Your teeth's gonna rot from all that sugar," I mutter.

I don't know if that amused him or not, because his laugh sounds tight and forced.

"Shall we take a walk?"

I'm exhausted, but I nod anyway. Time to go home.

 

Getting to where we were took four days of searching, but the return journey is a direct route that only takes an hour even with us being economical with the gas. We meet up with a team, give them details of our previous locations and then take our rations and go to the top of the wall, where it's fucking freezing but the air is clean and we can pull off our masks.

I eat half of my flatbread and shove the rest at him. "This is disgusting."

If this was Hange, there would be a joke or two about how I need to finish my meal because my body is still growing, but although Erwin is much more talkative these days, he isn't Hange. He just gives me a look instead, and I glare at him.

"Eat it, you fucking tree." I give him the bit of preserved meat I'd taken from the house we stayed in last night as well. He sighs, and I keep glaring until he concedes. Yes the meat has become public property the moment we found it which means I've stolen from the people. And the amount I care is exactly zero - if Erwin goes down, we all go down anyway.

We walk along the wall until we can go no further. A 12m class titan casually wanders across below us.

Wall Sina was broken since five weeks ago.

Our numbers are very few now. Instead of attack, we only search and rescue. Any humans found alive are sent underground. Same goes for any useful resources. This will continue until we run out of gas for our manoeuvre gears.

By then, if we're lucky, the titans would have found whatever it is they are looking for at the centre of the capital; there is something they wanted and we're no longer pawns to a king who is feigning ignorance. The only thing we care about - the only thing we can do something about, after the last line of defense has fallen - is minimising the amount of casualties.

But if this all turns out futile, I think I will-

"Levi."

"What."

"Is there anything you'd like to do?"

What is he, a fucking mind reader? "Sleep."

"I mean after all of this."

"Wash, and then sleep."

"Is that all?"

"What were you expecting to hear?"

"I don't know," he admits with a shrug. "But we got to wash yesterday. That was nice."

It was. The abandoned house did not only have food and coffee in storage, it also had running water, soap, and a razor. These days when we are outside we take turns to sleep with most of our gear on in case we need to move, so our clothes reek, but we got to wash and shave which is a damn luxury after four days of travelling.

I glance up, checking Erwin's chin. I think I did a good job. Travelling with the manoeuvre gear is exhausting especially if you're living on ration, built like a tree and only has one arm for control and balance. By the time we found that house his hand was shaking from strain. Instead of leaving it until this morning, he asked me to help.

He doesn't often ask for help.

We don't talk about it.

Today we've returned to the wall; it's our rest day. I'll mention the state of his arm to someone, something will be figured out, massage or acupuncture or whatever. They can try to stop him from going out again, but if he insists on heading out - "only I know where my limits are," blah blah blah - then I'd prefer that he stays as my partner. His chances of survival are best with me.

What I really want is for him to stay put. I've already told him this, he heard me, and that was the end of that conversation. Acknowledging my opinion doesn't mean he would act accordingly. I suspect he's made a choice that he'd rather die outside than somewhere underground at a desk, but we haven't talked about that.

That makes him a bastard, but it's always been pot and kettle between us. As long as he's the one making the decisions, I'm not going to complain. It's just ironic that he has become my responsibility.

We get off the wall and head for the bunkers, hitting the showers right away. Erwin's slept but I haven't, so as he goes off to do whatever he thinks needs doing, I look for a room to sleep in.

"The third one on the right, it's been cleaned out for you. I think that's your room from now on." Hange appears at the top of the corridor. The mane on her head seems to get wilder every time I see it. "It's them again."

By that she means some people I rescued a few weeks ago. "Tell them I said thanks, and they shouldn't have."

She shrugs. "We're all trying to be useful, one way or another. I see no reason to stop them if it makes them feel better."

"Fine."

"Oh and," she comes a bit closer and lowers her voice to normal human levels, "I've been asked if you'd want company, I said I'd pass the message on."

The idea is tempting. "Is pimping part of your role as well now?" I arch an eyebrow.

"You're hard to locate," she says. "People are just looking for a bit of fun and comfort. It's good for everyone. And it's healthy."

I can't argue with that, though I wonder how long it'll take for this to turn into those in uniform abusing those without. But maybe I'm just being needlessly cynical. "No will do. Are you done, I want to grab some sleep right now."

She snorts, as if she's already predicted my answer. "Yeah, one more thing. About Erwin."

Looks like I'll have to stay awake for a while longer. I open the door to the room that's been prepared for me. "Talk inside."

 

Hange leaves after saying that she'll bully, guilt-trip, blackmail and do whatever else necessary to get Erwin to stay here and recover before he does himself some permanent damage. It's her versus Erwin, so I wouldn't be surprised if she resorts to tying him down.

After she's gone, Armin and Mikasa, with an exhausted Eren trailing behind, show up with updates on what they've done. I tell them to report to someone else before I kick their heads in. Seriously, they can hold their own and make their own decisions now, they just need to believe it.

I've undressed by the time the third lot of visitors try to invade my space.

Should have stayed in the abandoned house; can't get a moment of peace around here.

"Go and bother Erwin!"

A pause. "I'll come back later."

Dammit. I pull my trousers back on and answer the door, letting Erwin close it behind him.

"Sorry to bother you." He's still in his uniform, sans jacket and harness. He sounds more subdued than he was this morning.

"What do you need?"

"I just had a chat with Hange."

Not a man to sit on an issue, Erwin. "And?"

"I've neglected the feelings of the team and jeopardised your safety by making unreasonable demands. I've come to apologise."

Hange dealt the guilt-trip card then. But it's funny, the way he puts it. As if he's ever made reasonable demands with safety in mind. "That's going a bit far. I just need you to tell me you know exactly what you're doing and you won't regret it."

He sighs, moving away from the door. I can tell what he's thinking. Mike used to be the one to rein him in, not about strategy but when it came to intra-team issues. Not that there is much of a team anymore.

"Levi-"

"If you want to burn the candle at both ends, I'll go with it."

"Passing the buck again?"

"It's what I do best."

I don't make decisions. That responsibility always has and always will sit with Erwin.

"I don't want you to get killed because I've dragged you down."

He dips his head. I scowl. I hate it when he second guesses himself. If he starts doing this all the time then I have no use of him.

"When I signed up to this I'd already agreed you'll be responsible for my death."

"Well, I'm hoping it won't be literally because of me."

"You have three options: stay put, be more cautious, or carry on as you are. Pick one."

I'll go with whichever, he knows that so I don't say it again. He sighs once more, his frown easing. Decision made. Thank fuck.

"We'll go slower then."

"Thank you, Levi." He backs up to the door. "I'll let you rest."

"Erwin. Before you go."

"Yes?"

"Want to do it?"

He gives me a tense look. I shrug. He looks like he needs it, and I'd be lying if I said I don't.

"It's healthy," I quote Hange. "I know you've got other offers. So do I. So don't feel like you have to."

After a moment, he locks the door and starts taking off his shirt. I switch off the light and help him with it.

 

Sex with Erwin is like talking with him: we don't do it often, and when we do we don't get far. Enough to satisfy, not enough to satiate. But I'll always choose to exchange a brief word with him over a long conversation with someone else.

 

I doze off when we are done, and jolt awake when he sits up. He gives me an apologetic look and tries to pick up his clothes as quietly as possible.

When he leans over to retrieve his insignia, I grab his face and kiss him. Shaving was a good idea; I like the feel of his smooth chin.

Then I pass him the insignia and shove him off the bed.

 

It was a long time ago, a night of alcohol in a smoke-filled bar. It was Hange's idea, after hearing that Mike's other half had left him.

I remember the general gist of the conversation. Mike proposed, but she wanted children whereas he didn't, so that was the end of the relationship. Everyone present made sure they said all the right things as he and Erwin drank round after round. It came as a surprise to me; until then I hadn't realised the two of them were tight.

"That's the trouble with women-"

Hange kneed Oluo in the nuts before he could finish the sentence. Mike chuckled.

"Humanity is only worth fighting for if we consider the future generations. Even though I don't want kids it doesn't mean she's wrong to want them."

That shut Oluo up. I don't even know why he was there to begin with; he probably thought it was just a regular trip to the bar.

The night wore on, and for some reason it became a game of trying to get me drunk. They should have known by then that the bar would go dry before that happens, but it took the attention off Mike so I humoured them. By the end, it was Hange and I who had to deal with the consequences.

I made Hange send the rowdy bunch home, and left myself with Mike and Erwin. Erwin saw through my plans, the fact that they were both too tall for me to help and therefore I didn't have to do anything, and gave me an amused look that he rarely showed back then. I guessed the alcohol loosened him up.

He was sober enough to walk in mostly a straight line, so he dragged Mike back to his place, assuming that Mike wouldn't want to go home until his ex-girlfriend finished moving out. Mike mumbled all the while about Erwin's scent, or lack of, or something.

I helped them with keys and doors, and tried not to look too surprised when Mike nibbled on Erwin's neck and hands began to wander. Erwin quite firmly recovered some distance between them and dropped him on the bed. Mike only managed to look disappointed for roughly five seconds before he was sound asleep.

We stared at the man for a moment, then Erwin heaved a sigh.

"You had your chance."

"Do I look like the type to take advantage of someone who's drunk?"

"How would I know." I shrugged. "He didn't look the type to want to fuck a man until just now."

"And I do?"

I looked up at him for a good, long moment, feeling the alcohol trying to affect my brain. At this angle, the ceiling light was doing something weird to his hair, making it glow. "You just look like you need to get laid." I spun on my heels, heading out.

I heard him turn the light off and shut the door. It looked like he wasn't worried about Mike throwing up on his bed.

"Tea?"

"No. I'm going."

At that point, we'd just returned from an expedition clearing a route from Trost. That was immediately after coming back from reviewing trainee exercises together with the other branches, which was straight after having to attend some dumbass meetings at the capital. I said Erwin looked like he needed to get laid, but we all did. I knew for a fact that Erd's wife had taken a few days off work for him and Hange had entertainment lined up for the night. I probably should have done the same; discreet hookers weren't easy to find at short notice, even here within Wall Sina. I'd just have to entertain myself.

I stopped in my tracks when I noticed Erwin going to get a bottle of whiskey and a tumbler.

"Has it been that bad?"

He drank, but didn't answer. The expedition had been messy, but no more so than previous ones. Though I supposed he had more meetings to worry about than I did, and even more to look forward to. Taking a beating regarding wasted taxes was a common occurrence that he had to sit through.

I'd feel like a dick if I left him now, but I'd never had problems with being one. We had a few days of rest coming up anyway, so I wasn't going to care about what he did. Not that I disliked him, the truth was anything but. Still, this was the life he'd chosen. He'd made his bed, let him lie in it.

So I let myself out.

"Levi. Please wait."

"What..." I turned around. Those eyes... ah. Not the first time someone looked at me that way, though I never knew what it was that people saw in me. Even Mike commented on it once, saying that I smelled of "freedom". He had always been a poetic one. Me, I just knew it brought me offers that I was fully capable of rejecting if I didn't want them.

I shut the door again. "Is that an order?"

"Of course not."

He looked nervous. That'd explain the whiskey. He was someone who thought twenty steps ahead, so he must know the consequences if this approach turned sour. And he still did it, which made me feel quite powerful, and my interest in him rose a notch.

I'd never claimed to not be shallow.

This would be convenient and, I supposed, more entertaining than my hand. But I wasn't fond of the idea of doing this with Mike sleeping in the bedroom.

"If you think I'll let you fuck me, you can think again."

"No, I just want to..."

We ended up jerking each other off in his kitchen.

I discovered I rather enjoyed large hands.

 

I wake up ten hours later, according to the clock. Erwin is gone; I'd pushed him away but didn't see him leave before falling asleep again, so I've no idea when he left.

Might be just as well. Waking up from dreaming about that time was weird enough without him here.

I leave the room and wash. These bunkers are well-equipped and can support a much larger group of people than the few hundreds present. There are others locations, looked after by different teams, and we estimate there are about five thousand people in total. That's all of what's left of humanity. To be honest I don't think the numbers are going to grow much further and the rescue of resources from above ground is more to do with keeping up morale. If we all sit here with nothing to do we're just going to rot, much like the dead bodies that are rotting above ground right now. Plus we don't know how long we'll be down here for: weeks, months or years. We will need more clothes and medicines at some point.

"Ah, captain!"

"What?" I lower the towel from my damp face.

"We're celebrating Armin's birthday in a minute," says Eren, "in the big room, if you wanna join us. I was going to get you sooner but the commander told me to let you rest..."

I make a sound of recognition and he wanders off to round up anyone else he finds.

Celebrations have an importance here, amongst a bunch of people trying to establish some sort of order and culture after being displaced from their homes, separated from their families and having their lives scared out of them. There can't be that many survivors waiting to be rescued anymore, so there's no need to be too frugal. There's also the entertainment value as well; bored people can become dangerous people.

I'm probably just talking out of my arse; I'm no sociologist. Overall I'm simply not bothered that people are trying to have a bit of fun in this shitty situation. I'm not actually anti-fun. The fact that my face was born to give an impression of permanent annoyance doesn't reflect my feelings on this particular issue.

I arrive at the concisely-named big room just before they finish singing. In place of cake there are various kinds of children's snacks. Crackers and potato sticks, sweets and dried fruit slices.

A plate appears in front of me. "Want some?"

Hange again. She's like a weed. Trample hard enough on anything else in a field and it'll eventually die, even grass. Except her, she keeps bouncing back.

I take some of the fake bacon stuff. "A bit stingy on the food."

"Armin says he doesn't want to be wasteful."

"Get someone to bring out more. It's dinner time anyway."

"Don't want them to end up like you?"

"Those kids are still growing," I say. "Make sure Erwin eats his dinner as well; he's losing weight."

"Oh?" She peers closer. "And you know that because?"

I give her no reaction. She's known for a long time, I don't doubt that. Maybe she thinks we're fucking, but I'm not bothered enough to correct her. It's all just technicalities anyway.

"It's not very cute you know. Once in a while you can try getting a bit flustered or put off or something," she says, finally moving away, her hair nearly whipping me in the face. "I'll get them to break out more food. Erwin's at the back talking with Nile, you can go make sure he replenishes on his protein yourself."

"You are so funny and cute, you remind me of me," I tell her.

I observe the celebrations for a while. Armin Arlert has clearly become the leader of his peer group. His charisma is an entirely different sort to Erwin's, but it still works. If Erwin died, Armin would be the one to take responsibility over these bunkers. An unenviable job unless you're a tyrant.

When the food arrives, I make a few wraps and take them to Erwin, extracting the papers out of his hand so that he can eat. Nile starts flushing, only just realising that Erwin can't hold food and review information at the same time the way he can. For fuck's sake, how do people with no observation skills survive so long?

I stop glaring at Nile so that I can read the update. Or pretend to. My literacy level isn't high enough to decipher shitty handwriting.

"Communication has been established with the centre of the capital. The leader of the titans claims that they would leave as soon as they get what they're here for," Erwin tells me. "Nile and I are just discussing the credibility of that statement."

I, of course, have a list of questions at that point: did they say what they're here for, how long is it going to take, are we expected to co-exist afterwards, is there any promise that the titans will leave us alone permanently. etc. But those things are for the commanders to consider, they'll tell me when I need to be told. They don't need my input and I'm not here to undermine Erwin's authority or question his capabilities.

So I just nod. A few kids, sent by Hange, bring over some chairs and a small table for the commanders, so I put down both the food and the papers and leave them to it.

"Levi, I need to have a chat with you after dinner. Tell Hange as well."

"Fine."

 

Enemies from within are always the hardest to pick out and hardest to deal with. They're like bloody cancer. You start on the back foot and almost always lose.

We had been grounded and some of us placed under house arrest, pending "government investigation" after revealing a link between titans and certain important people, when all the walls were breached at the same time. The garrison and the police did their best, I fully acknowledge that, but it wasn't enough. And the survey corps was without its gear.

Except me. I wasn't dumb enough to trust the establishment and not have another set under my bed just in case this sort of stupidity happened. I also knew how to quickly remove equipment from fallen comrades for other people.

I got Erwin and Hange out. We then broke into equipment storage and gas supplies for those who weren't armed yet.

With those who could assume titan forms temporarily plugging the outer walls, and our comrades clearing a route, we began escorting the citizens underground - those lucky enough to live within Wall Sina anyway, and had the luxury of emergency bunkers.

The rest of us remained above ground, holding back the onslaught and moving people from outer areas towards safety. 

Seven hours and too many lives later, Erwin Smith, 13th commander of the survey corps, announced retreat.

And so here we are.

It does feel weird, being in a room, just the three of us. Some people hail us as heroes, others think we'd failed them, and then there are those who think the whole thing is staged and all this is part of a coup. We are the defeated, I understand that, make no mistake. But the views of those people are far less important to me than how the three of us see each other, and how we view ourselves now.

Erwin is sitting on the edge of a bed. Hange stands near him, whereas I pick a wall to lean against.

"Nile told me Pixis isn't going to pull through. I want to go and see him one last time. Would you two like to come with me?"

"Five weeks is a long time for the old man to suffer. I'll go. Do you mind if I tell Eren? I think he might want to go as well."

Hange is volunteering, so I stay quiet; Pixis is a good man but not someone I've worked with.

Then Hange taps her top lip with a finger. "How are we going to break this news to people?"

"That's something I want to discuss. I'd like to hear your opinion."

What?

Hange recovers faster than I do. "I guess we might as well announce it now, some people might want to pray for him and all. They're going to resent it if we tell them after."

Then Erwin looks at me. "Agreed," is all I say.

He nods. "Please see to it. Hange, I'll meet you and Eren at the entrance in fifteen minutes."

"Okay. Hey, say... are you all right?"

"Yes. Why?"

Hange and I exchange a look. She presses harder.

"You're not sick or anything?"

"No."

"Good, just checking."

We leave the room and keep walking until we turn a corner at the end of the corridor.

"Something's not right," Hange mutters under her breath, and I nod.

Something's definitely wrong with Erwin.

 

It isn't much of a tank, just a small box. I actually wouldn't have heard about it had Eren not been the one to carry it back. At least he isn't stupid enough to go around telling everyone else; if the citizens find out any of us have gone home to retrieve personal effects, they might start demanding we do the same for them or complain about soldiers' privileges.

So far it's been relatively peaceful here at the bunkers, but I know how things works when the law of the state has no influence; it will only be another few weeks before fear is pushed back by discontent, then there will be disorder. We must have a hierarchy established before that, and I'd rather it be one that people acknowledged rather than one that's imposed upon them. Erwin has enough on his plate as it is without his authority being challenged.

Back to the box. They'd stopped by Erwin's place on the way back from visiting Pixis at Nile's bunkers. Apparently Erwin only wanted to take a look, but Eren stuck it under his cloak and smuggled it back.

"It's just hibernating. It's gonna be fine."

"Brumating, young man. Brumating," Hange corrects him, the two of them peering into the box. "It's an entirely different biological process."

The gecko is yellow with black spots, and about as long as my hand. Reptiles are a good pet of choice for people like us in the survey corps, who are away from home often. But this isn't Erwin's pet.

Eren goes to Erwin and excitedly volunteers to help with feeding and cleaning. I take the moment to talk to Hange under my breath.

"This is Mike's lizard."

"Yeah, Erwin took it after Mike went MIA. You didn't know?"

No, but why should I.

Going past my room, I find a bag left next to the door. It looks like they didn't just stop by Erwin's, but my place as well. I don't care; it's just a place to go back to and sleep, I've never felt motivated to fill it with personal possessions. Having accommodation within Wall Sina is supposed to be a perk for my rank, but I've never been able to feel settled down anywhere, and inside Sina is the worst. There isn't much I'm attached to apart from-

I look inside the bag. My scarf, and my survey corps uniform which I hadn't had time to change into when shit hit the fan.

I look up again when the other two come out of Erwin's.

"Did you get these for me?"

"Yeah... the door wasn't locked..."

I do want them back, so gratitude where it's due. "Thanks."

Eren's reaction is much more ecstatic than I would've expected. He grins, and nudges Hange with his elbow. "See? I said the captain would want it back!"

Hange does her hands-on-hips thing, eyes behind goggles scrutinising my face. "I wasn't the one who said to leave it alone. But awww, look at you, aren't you delighted. You almost have a smile going on."

"Eren, go get some tissues for the major. She's got shit coming out of her mouth."

Eren just laughs and runs off with Hange, the pair giggling like children. It sucks, after some time nearly all the kids stop fearing me as much as they did in the beginning. And well, Hange is Hange. She's like... a brother, in a sense. She'll always be an annoyance and get under my skin, but I'm never really angry with her, a fact she knows and uses to her advantage. And I'm not the type to give a shit about it; that'd just be a waste of energy. Besides, these people - Hange, Eren, Erwin, everyone who has sworn an oath - I fight alongside, shoulder to shoulder. We've placed our lives in each other's hands, we've brought home the wounded, we've listened to the last words of our comrades together. After all that, you don't mind when they make fun of you. You _want_ them to make fun, because there is no other reason to smile anymore.

All of this is just fact, not sentimentality.

A moment later, a voice echoes in the corridor. "I apologise about this."

It's Erwin, without the gecko. Somehow I don't think he'd be like Mike, who used to let the gecko walk from one hand to another in an endless loop of futility.

Erwin's been in a weird mood and I don't know how to deal with it. Might be something to do with Pixis, I know he respects that man. But I'm the last person anyone should go to if they need comfort, and I don't think that's what Erwin's after either.

"About what?" I ask, remembering Hange just said that someone disagreed with taking my uniform back. By process of elimination that could only have been Erwin, but I can't fathom the reason why. "I want these trousers. The harness cuts less with them."

His gaze drifts downwards. "I did notice the chafing."

And I did notice how much time he spent _looking_ when he was in my bed, as if he hadn't seen me naked before.

The rawness of my skin is really nothing in the greater scheme of things. "Just like the rookie days." I attempt to dismiss the issue.

It kind of works. Erwin's demeanor lightens up. "Really? Because I was told you hardly had to spend any time to learn to use the manoeuvre gear."

How interesting. "You kept tabs on me?"

"Why wouldn't I? I had to make sure you upheld your end of the deal."

He is smiling now. Those days seem so long ago. I suppose it was a long time ago, counting the years, and what we've lost along the way.

"Ye of little faith."

"Keith wouldn't shut up about you anyway."

"He fancied me so hard he came every time he saw me, I know."

"Oh, was that why he kept asking me where I found you and if there were others like you?"

"Him and his harem fantasies." I gesture for us to move. I don't feel like standing outside my room to talk. In fact, I think I'll accept my ration of alcohol today. "Let's go speak ill of the dead over a drink."

It's very late at night, but quite a lot of people are still up and about. Not that it matters much since we get no daylight here. But the crowd puts both of us off, and we end up back in my room, with tea instead.

"Is this all right? You've not slept for three days when we were out."

"Then I slept ten hours and woke up just before dinner." I sip my tea. "I'll sleep again. Going to sleep is never a problem."

Erwin snorts gently. "That's true."

"It's my party trick." I can sleep whenever, wherever, if I choose to. Maybe even on a horse, but I'm not stupid enough to try it out.

I drink my tea, and he watches me drink it, for a while. I narrow my eyes at his mug, which remains untouched.

"How's your arm?"

It takes him a while to give me a response, but it's an honest one. When I do ask questions, he knows I expect honest answers. "Some general pain, mostly in the shoulder. I can't lift it high at the moment."

This morning he could still use it enough to jerk me off, but the trip to see Pixis was probably a bad idea. Hopefully he hasn't buggered his rotator cuff and he just needs to rest the muscles. When the arm-bitten-off business happened I went and read up on things to do with the arm and muscles generally, so that I knew what to expect and how to work with him from then on.

"The tea's still too hot anyway." I put mine aside. "Lie down, I'll give it a rub."

He doesn't move. I cock my head towards the bed.

"Do it. I need you functional."

He doesn't often ask for help. but this doesn't mean I don't know when to provide it. I am also convenient and discreet with regards to many things. He needs people like me around him.

Finally he toes off his shoes, sits down on the edge of the bed and clumsily shuffles in further and then lies down without putting weight on his arm. I get to work, opening his shirt to get to his skin, focusing on that big muscle that connects shoulder and chest, whatever it's called again. It feels too warm, and I briefly compare it with his other shoulder. This side is definitely warmer. It's probably inflamed.

At this point, I suppose he could apologise again and I could point out he should've said something when we were outside and we would've turned back, but that conversation isn't really necessary now; Hange'd done the guilt-tripping already. And I ain't his mother.

"It looks like it'll snow overnight."

"Good. If it really freezes the bodies will stop rotting for a while."

"That's what Hange said as well."

I bet she did. She's been talking about the clean up that potentially needs to be done to make the world above habitable again. Rather than optimistic, I think she's just being hopeful.

"How much does this hurt?"

"Five out of ten."

I carry on.

"How do you think Hange is getting on?"

"She's trying not to go mad."

"I agree. She's finding this very hard. Is there a way to help her?"

"Apart from catching her a titan or two to toy with? No."

Hange will talk to me if she seriously has a problem. For now, she's coping.

"How about this?"

"...seven out of ten."

I lessen the pressure.

"And how are you getting on?"

Me? "Fine."

"Are you disappointed?"

"In?"

"Me."

Concentrating on the task at hand, I don't answer his question. I can see why he thinks this way, and now I know why he thought I might not want my uniform back - because he's not holding his end of the bargain.

"Mike used to say that humanity only loses the moment we give up," I say.

He takes a moment to digest this. "Do you agree?"

"My opinion is not for sharing."

"Does this apply to my previous question as well?"

"Your questions are pointless." I shift my hands, feeling around the actual shoulder cuff area. That's supposed to be where all the tendons gather, if I remember right. "Does any of this hurt?"

"It feels just like everywhere else. Levi-"

"It's too damn late to start doubting your decisions."

"Easy to say for someone who never makes his own damn choices."

"That was our deal. Suck it."

"Fuck you," he swears for the first time in a very long time. "Fuck you and your easy life."

He doesn't mean it, and I don't bother rising to it. He makes the calls, I execute them, that has always been the way. That was our agreement. It might look like I got the tough end of the bargain, but my life is easy. Placing my trust in Erwin means I hardly ever have to think.

Ah.

It's too late to doubt the decisions that had already been made. Regret, on the other hand, can begin any moment and last forever.

Shit. I'm actually going to have to speak my mind, aren't I? This is going to get all sick and soppy. But a conversation between two disingenuous arseholes is just going to go in a downward spiral. And believe it or not, he's always been the more difficult one, despite his tact and diplomacy skills. I'm far simpler. I'm even willing to compromise. Ask anyone who's worked with us for a few years and they'll tell you the same thing.

So fine, I'll back down this time. Fucking hell, the things I do for this guy.

"I'm not disappointed." I move away from him for a moment to drink my tea. "And I don't think they would be either."

In our defeat, yes. In that our sacrifices have all been in vain, yes. But not in Erwin.

"A hundred and-"

"Thirty one," I finish for him, "since you were made commander. A hundred and eighteen since I became captain."

I remember them all. Every. Single. One.

All of them might still be alive if we'd just chosen to stay inside the walls, true. Give me a crystal ball and I'll be a god too.

Tea back on the table, my hands back on his shoulder. "I'm not your puppet," although it looks that way a lot of the time, "and neither were they. We were getting somewhere. We could all see for ourselves. Don't you dare insult any of us."

He stares beyond my shoulder.

"Even if this is the sort of existence you're left with?"

"It's no better or worse than how I used to live," I pause, then add, "the company is more decent."

When he shifts his gaze from the ceiling to me, I smirk briefly. Then we fall back into silence for twenty minutes or so until I take another break for tea.

"How does it feel now?"

He lifts his arm a little. Not even high enough to turn a doorknob if he was standing. "Sore. But a good kind of sore now."

Good, because my hands are starting to ache. "Do you still want your tea? It's gone a bit cold."

He sits up, and I avoid his hand, bringing the mug straight to his mouth, quickly dabbing the corner of his lips with the cuff of my sleeve when he's done. I'm not good at intimacy but I'd nursed people before, it's not that hard. Usually a bit easier if I'm not stared at like I've suddenly grown horns.

"What?"

He actually looks embarrassed. "Just trying to remember when was the last time I was looked after like this. Must be around twenty years ago. I caught a bug and went down with a high fever."

"Aren't you a lucky sod. I never had that luxury."

"Mike gave me the bug, so he had to make sure I got better."

I had heard from Mike before that he and Erwin knew each other since they were kids. That in itself is not weird. Trying to imagine them as kids, on the other hand, is the weirdest thing.

"How are you going to feed that gecko?"

"I don't know, that's Eren's responsibility. But I shouldn't have taken it in to begin with, that was a mistake."

"I don't see what harm a gecko can do." I pull his shirt back together and start buttoning it up. He's a stubborn arse to still wear clothes that require fastening, but I appreciate the sentiment of not admitting that life has got harder.

"You're not angry?"

"That you're secretly a big sop? It doesn't bother me."

He grabs my wrist, but there is no strength in his grip. "What _are_ you angry about, then? What's eating you?"

I don't like this. "Why are you insisting I'm angry?"

"You're overadjusting."

Typical. The moment I back down and be nice for a change, people start taking advantage or accuse me of things, it's always like this. Shouldn't have expected any different from Erwin. So much for giving a damn.

I tug my wrist free. "Get out."

And he does.

 

The door closes, and I regret my reaction. He's trying to find blame. No, he's trying to put blame on himself. Maybe he wants me to confirm that he's fucked up. Maybe he wants to know it's eating me as much as it's eating him. I don't know.

That time, when we found out that titans could be humans, that all this time we were at war with our own kind, we had some issues to deal with. It affected me, but not as severely as it did Erwin.

I'd calmly insulted him and beaten him as much as his stressed, freshly-amputated body could take, then left him alone, silently pushing down the all-consuming horror that I'd lost him for good. But he came back, and all he said was "pain really is the best way to discipline, it seems."

This reminds me a bit of back then.

Am I prepared to do it again? No, because I don't think it'll work again. The same trick won't work twice.

When something broken is mended, the area will always be weaker than others. And Erwin's faith is now breaking at exactly the same place as before. What am I supposed to do about that?

Nothing. There isn't anything I can do to fix things anymore. But there is something I can remind him.

He's just about to go back inside his room when he hears my door, and he stops.

"We're the same, Erwin."

I may be his sword arm, but I'm not a mindless puppet. If he thinks our friends', our comrades' blood is on his hands, then it's also on mine. So he isn't alone, at least.

I leave him with that thought, stepping back inside my room.

"Thank you," he says, just loud enough for me to hear. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," I reply, and close the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken a while. Erwin was weird to write and this turned out kind of unexpected...

The tea is disappointingly weak even by my standards, I am surprised that Levi has not complained.

The meeting, one he suggested we should have, is done. Within less than an hour it has all been outlined: a community leader will be elected to handle domestic situations. This is a move to make communal life feel less like a military dictatorship, to placate the people before trouble begins. I sit back and wait for Armin to copy a set of his notes for me. I have, in my head, quickly drafted a list of finer points that require further examination, but he should also be doing the same; he hardly ever needs prompting. When he is ready we will compare our thoughts.

In the meantime, Hange points out the similarity between the new proposal and that of a boarding school, with one branch dealing with the academic issues or in our case, survival problems, and another branch looking after the dorms and general living situations. Levi drinks his tea and doesn't point out he has no idea what she is talking about because he had never went to school, boarding or not.

And then they leave, one after another. I too, quietly slip out the door before it clicks close, and watch Hange catch up with Levi.

"You're unusually chatty."

"I've always been talkative."

"Sure," she drawls. "But you aren't talking to Erwin. Did you boys have a fight?"

"If we did I wouldn't be helping him would I."

"Yeah, that." She scratches the back of her neck. "Is that a thing now?"

"For now. Take some weight off him."

"Roger. Any idea how long for?"

"Until he tells us off."

"Ooh, can't wait. Erwin's sexy when he's mad."

"Are you undersexed or something?"

"Ha, I'm not you." She thumps him on the back. "By the way, have you ever noticed if you say 'Eren Armin' fast enough it sounds like Erwin? Maybe Erwin is Armin in titan form."

I cringe, and Levi groans. "Stay in the survey corps, you won't make it as a comedian," he says. "What have you been up to with Eren anyway?"

"Well, he is quite a pretty boy…"

"I've changed my mind. I don't want to know..."

"But it's true…"

"I seri…"

Just as their voices drift off further down the corridor, Armin catches my attention.

"I'm done, Commander. Thank you for your time."

I take the notes from him. Armin has beautiful handwriting, better than mine had ever been.

"Thank you."

 

In the evening, after dinner, I work on a typewriter someone has helpfully found for me. The ink tape is half dry, therefore some letters are missing on the page, but it's enough for me to put down my thoughts on the community leader election for future discussions.

This is an issue I have neglected during the last few weeks, not purposefully, but out of ignorance. I had been unaware of the immediate situation within the bunker and probably would have remained so until trouble breaks out had Levi not said something.

I joined the military and began training at 13 years of age. My parents were also of the police, and my grandparents on my mother's side as well, so my life was about the army even before signing up; I am military by training and military by blood. Of course, even though army life is all that I know, this isn't an excuse enough to overlook the requirements of the citizens. I'm fortunate that I have the right people to depend on - Levi draws on his experience from a previous life and tells me what's required. He is a far better politician than he is aware himself.

But even now, when he needs to tell me what to do, Levi doesn't talk about his days before the military. Whether he does not wish to, or does not think it is worth the discussion, or that he has compartmentalised that part of his life, I do not know and do not ask.

What I do know is that his world, after briefly expanding when he joined the survey corps, has now contracted to something that is surely far smaller than the criminal underworld he had once lived in, despite him saying that it is just the same.

I was there on his first expedition outside Wall Maria. I remember the way his face changed as soon as he burst through the gate of Shiganshina.

These cold concrete walls, this _prison_ , isn't where he belongs.

Goddammit.

I don't want there to be a community leader. I don't want any hint or suggestion that this is an existence we have to accept. I don't want anyone to go out of their way to help me.

I want to tell Levi to just leave. He can make it all the way out on his own. There's nothing here for him anymore.

And yet, when I hear him knocking on the door, I tell him to enter, already getting out of my chair to lie down on the bed.

This has almost become routine.

His hands knead my shoulder with familiar, comforting pressure. After a few minutes, I decide to break the silence.

"You don't need to keep doing this."

No response from him, but I'm not surprised since we've hardly spoken to each other at all in the past few days. It feels like when we talk I cannot stop the conversation from descending into barbed words and bitter accusations; I have developed an ability to poison the air between us and perhaps this is the only way to prevent it.

But his hands suddenly pause. "If you want I'll leave you alone."

"That's not what I mean." I know he means it as it is and isn't being passive aggressive, but I should nip this in the bud anyway. "I just thought you might have other things to do. Catch up with some sleep, maybe."

"I'm not tired, I just look chronically underslept."

The words make me smile, and we settle back into silence until he steps away to drink the tea he'd brought with him.

"Thank you for calling and chairing the meeting today."

He speaks just above the brim of his mug. "That's fine. Just don't expect me to do any actual handling. Get Hange or someone."

"Hmm." I nod, though he isn't looking. "Speaking of Hange, she seems to be with Eren a lot lately. Is there anything… what's the nature of their relationship?"

"I don't know. I'm not touching that one with a bargepole."

He says that, but we both know it is something we need to keep an eye on. It would actually be better if they are interested in each other romantically. If our experimenter is planning something with our human-titan, however, then we absolutely must know the ins and outs of it all.

As Levi drinks, I sit up and pull the shirt back on my shoulders. He is probably only taking a break but he's done enough. Do I enjoy his attention? Of course I do. But do I want to receive it this way, as a feeble man who had hurt himself because he didn't know his own limits, and takes too long to do even the simplest tasks like buttoning up his shirt?

I wish I could say that I don't, that his kindness is an insult, that if this was the only way to get him to care then I would rather he never cares.

But I know I shouldn't, for the sake of his pride, and what remains of mine.

He sees what I'm doing and moves away, towards the desk, his gaze settling on the typewriter.

"So that I can put some thoughts down," I explain.

He peers closer at it, and then at the other pieces of paper lying around, spotting my earlier attempt to write with my left hand.

"Piss poor handwriting." He scrutinises my illegible squiggles.

"It's cursive," I say with a snort.

Well, at least it seems to have amused him. "Stop using your hand, for god's sake. Stuff can wait."

It's not as if I am writing a book, but I don't want to argue with him or be shut in silence again. It's rare that Levi decides to share his opinion. When he does it probably means I should shut up and listen, like I should have the other night.

My lack of argument makes him gape at me with genuine surprise. I can barely hold back a sigh.

"Were you looking for a fight?" Have I been so stubborn as to warrant that reaction? "Or was that your way of telling me not to touch you anymore?"

It is a joke, but only in part.

His face flushes ever so slightly. "That's not-"

"It's fine. You have other offers."

"So do you. If you want them then take them, you don't need to drop hints, I don't own you."

All I can do is laugh. Levi doesn't understand. They only want him. Everyone wants him; he is magnetic. And now that he is caged with them all, he is within reach.

He doesn't own me, no, but I don't own him either.

"What's so funny?"

"Just the thought of a stump makes the sensitive folk of Wall Sina recoil; nobody wants to see it."

He frowns, putting down the mug on the desk. I want to pull him down to the bed, touch him, kiss him, but I hold my breath and clench my fist instead. No, I want Levi not because he's my only option. But does that even matter? It changes nothing. He isn't mine.

He stalks towards me, puts a knee on the bed and pulls me towards him by grabbing the stump of my arm.

It probably hasn't occurred to him what this looks like. For him, this is just lust. But even if it is pity, I'll take it. Pride will never bring me freedom anyway.

 

Mike dipped his head towards me and lowered his voice.

"Careful now."

I gave him a sidelong glance.

"I can smell him from all the way here. He's dangerous."

When I mentioned spotting a potential recruit, Mike insisted that he went with me. Negotiations would probably have been easier had I gone alone rather than having brought a friend like a woman meeting her pen pal for the first time, but it was unusual for me to notice anyone, Mike wanted to see who had caught my attention. We had never head hunted, after all. Kids signed up for training, then when they were ready we crossed our fingers and hoped that they'd join the survey corps for whatever crazy reasons.

The one we were looking at was small in stature, but definitely no child. He had eyes that had already seen too much, and they were fixed on us right now. "Tiny but mighty?"

"That too. I see why you're interested. We need him; do whatever it takes. But by 'careful' I mean…" Mike paused then, taking a moment to look for the right words, "he smells addictive. Like... freedom."

I must have arched an eyebrow at that point, but he was determined to remain cryptic.

"I'll hang back here. Go, see if this Levi is ready to offer up his heart."

 

Movement rouses me. I have turned over in my sleep and Levi is pushing my weight off him. I shift away so that he isn't trapped under my arm.

"Damn tree."

"It's just a branch. Sleep on the other side then you won't get crushed."

I jest, of course. He doesn't like sharing a bed, always leaving mine or banishing me from his after sex. But he gets out and, to my surprise, walks around to the other side, shoving at me until I shuffle over enough for him to get back in.

I cannot understand this development of events. "You said you're not tired. Did I wear you out?"

"Trees don't have mouths. Be a good tree and shut up."

"Now I'm not allowed to use my mouth either? Was it that bad?"

He had stared at me as if it was something I wasn't supposed to do. I wasn't even thinking about whether I should or shouldn't, and judging from the way he'd held my head and guided the pace, I don't think he disapproved.

"Erwin."

I turn just enough to look at him. He grabs my chin and bites my lip, almost… I would say playfully, if I don't know better. Then he lets go, glares at me, and pulls the blanket to his shoulders.

"Shut the fuck up."

 

The rota has been changed; I am not due to go outside for another week. I had agreed to take things easy for a while, but had not expected to be grounded for such a length of time, with very little to distract me from my own thoughts.

It's not too different from being placed under house arrest some weeks ago, but now, rather than questioning my own decisions, I live with the consequences. The longer I stay here, the more deeply I am affected, as if the hundreds of people I have directly or indirectly sacrificed have placed their hands on my throat and with each day that passes, they squeeze just a little harder.

Levi said that we are just the same, but I hope he will never know how I feel.

"Erwin, are you in?"

"Come in."

I'm on the floor doing abdominal crunches, trying to keep count and keep my thoughts from straying, and completely failing. Hange enters my field of vision, upside down.

"I've found some bits and pieces, I reckon we can build a better home for the gecko."

Getting up, I take a look at the pile of materials by the door. "As long as you don't go overboard."

It's an instruction which I'm sure is falling on deaf ears. She starts bringing in pieces of fibreboard, glass and other things, and I leave her to it. She likes it better that way.

"Hold on. Stand straight for me?"

All of a sudden she peers at my right side, one hand rubbing her chin and the other literally prodding my muscles, and then kneading it from my shoulder to the end of my stump. Then she runs off, not bothering to close the door behind her.

Just another typical day for Hange.

I have no time to even feel confused before she returns with what looks like a large box of junk, her eyes gleaming with purpose behind her field goggles.

After ten minutes, she proudly presents me with something constructed mostly out of the manoeuvre gear harness, and shows me how to use it as a piece of resistance training equipment to prevent my right side from shrinking and withering. She tells me to try it out while she builds the new gecko enclosure.

I thank her, and do not ask whose harness system this used to be. I also don't question what she means by an "enclosure". Hopefully it won't be anything too zoo-like.

"Where's Levi? I haven't seen him all day."

"Out with Eren."

"So that's why I couldn't find Eren. Where are they gone?"

"Stohess. They should be back soon." I was supposed to head out with Levi today, to somewhere further. Stohess is only a short distance away and already thoroughly searched, we only go there to bring back gas supply. Levi undoubtedly has a plan. If he is questioning Eren, then I guess I should talk to Hange.

But Hange starts first. "Are you and Levi okay now?"

"We're fine."

She gestures for me to take a look, having marked out where she wants to put the gecko. It actually looks like a sensible size so I let her carry on.

"I suppose we're all going a bit stir crazy down here. Remember to play nice, hmm?"

Maybe we had already gone stir crazy long before this, living behind walls.

"Levi plays nice. I'm afraid I haven't been very good."

"Oh, Levi's always lovely, he's a sweetie pie with a mean face, " she says, a statement that would draw gasps of disbelief from those who don't really know the survey corps. "And you're the one who looks like a nice guy but is actually a bit of a cock sometimes. Well you need to be, for your job… playing the diplomacy game is tough, heh?"

"I suppose I should take that at as a compliment." I don't know what else to say, but I would have loved to see Levi's reaction to "sweetie pie".

"In a way, you can relax a bit now, you know. No paperwork, no budget worries..."

All of this may be Hange's way of interpreting Levi's instruction to help me out, although I would not be surprised if it's also because of cabin fever and the need to look for a silver lining. I can't share her view but know better than to disagree, so I just make a sound of acknowledgement, spending the next few minutes using the equipment of a dead colleague to exercise my right shoulder as she saws and hammers away. It doesn't take her long to build a reasonable looking box with glass on one side.

"Hange, I have something to ask you." I take a break and sit down.

"Sounds ominous."

"What is the nature of your relationship with Eren?"

"Purely sexual."

I narrow my eyes at her just as she turns around and grins at me, a screwdriver in hand.

"It's true! There are no feelings between us."

"You know why I am asking."

"Because I'm always unhinged and he can turn into a titan, et cetera et cetera." She picks up the gecko and lets it sit on her hand. "Let me ask you something. When we went to fight the titans, did you go thinking you might not make it back alive? Did you go trusting your life in everyone's hands?"

"Both."

"So would you trust Eren and me now? Even if we might all die?"

"Yes. But why won't you trust me with your plan?"

"Because you might try to stop us."

"And why is that? How dangerous is your plan?" I go over to her. "There are lives that can be sacrificed," a truth I hated, but still a truth, "and there are lives that cannot be replaced. You and Eren are the latter. We won't find other people like you in what's left of humanity."

She looks up at me, scowling, her hands on her hips. "Whereas you are entirely replaceable, right? You've been training up a successor, we all know what you're up to, even Armin's talked to me about it."

I clench my fist, caught between mortification and annoyance that they have noticed this. "It's the right thing to do."

"Of course it is, but not in your current state. We're not telling you, because you think you are less valuable than me or Eren or Levi or Armin and you'll jeopardise your life even when you don't need to."

"Hange - "

"Shush." She takes me hand and puts the gecko on it, then squeezes me on the shoulders. "I wish I know what Mike's trick was; he always got you to listen."

Even the gecko is looking at me now, as if telling me to stop talking.

"You're heartless, but not in the way a lot of people say you are. Go find your heart, Erwin, before you try to offer it. And then, who knows..."

"And then?"

She grins again, wide and mischievous.

"You'll see."

 

Eren and Levi return later in the day carrying specially-made frames full of gas canisters, and covered in snow worth their own bodyweight like they had gone into the forest for firewood in midwinter. There even seems to be a thin layer of ice on their masks, which are still covering their mouths and noses. Watching them awkwardly shimmy the straps off their frozen shoulders and trying not to get things tangled with the manoeuvre gear, I decide I should leave any pending conversations until later.

At dinner I see Eren again, and he is telling a few others about being rescued by Levi after the wind blew him off course and he almost went through a window. 

I go over to his table. "Eren."

"Commander."

"How bad was the weather?"

"Sir. It was fine to start with but just before we came back the wind got real bad. Looked like it was turning into a snowstorm."

"I see. Thank you." Carrying my food, I look around. Levi isn't here, and there aren't many faces I know. But there are no empty tables left.

"Commander?"

"Yes?"

"If you don't mind… eat with us?"

Some of the faces around the table are from the 104th squad, but not all of them are familiar to me. As they start to shuffle their seats closer together to make room, some make sure to glare at Eren for making such a suggestion, and jerked movements suggest kicking.

I make an excuse about needing to work, and leave them alone.

 

On the way back to my room, I stop outside Levi's door. I have been expecting a report from him and he has been unusually tardy about it.

"Levi?"

"What?"

Friendly as usual. "May I come in?"

There is a pause. "Door's not locked."

I was hoping he would come to the door, but hopes and complaints never get anyone anywhere. I make sure not to see his reaction when I open the door and then bend down to pick up the plate I have put on the floor to free up my hand.

"Say something next time, dammit," he mutters.

I would respond, but I am greeted by the sight of humanity's strongest soldier huddled in his blanket like a child and the words I was going to say choke in my throat, replaced by, I'm afraid to admit, the longest and most ungraceful snort.

"Eren told me about the snowstorm, but he seems fine," I say after regaining my composure.

"He's a cockroach. He can survive another ice age." Sitting up better, he says with a nasal voice, looking utterly miserable.

Well, he certainly isn't going to make it to the canteen in this condition. "Dinner?" Approaching him, I hold out my plate, and he snatches it from me as soon as it is within reach, followed by the spoon which comes from my pocket.

It doesn't escape him though, as he stares at the single piece of cutlery, what this really is. He eyes me. "Go get some more."

A while later, he is eating on his bed and I at the nightstand.

"Did you get anything out of Eren?"

"No."

My eyebrows must have shot up. He snarls.

"I broke a skylight and held him over it. Still not a single word."

"Was that after you saved him? That would have lessened the threat level significantly."

He thinks about this, a spoonful of rice in his mouth. "Damn."

"How bad is the storm?"

"People will die faster from it than from becoming titan food. I've told Eren to put up a notice that nobody's going out till it's over."

The idea of having another reason to stay underground makes my chest constrict.

"What?"

I focus on my dinner, not answering his question. He can make observations, I don't have to confirm them. It's a dance that we are doing with increasing frequency. Practice does not always make perfect, however.

"I take it you got nothing from Hange either."

_Go find your heart, Erwin, before you try to offer it._

"No."

"That's rare."

"The only thing I found out was that something is definitely going on."

"Just keep tabs on the brat. He might plan, but he looks up to you too much to do anything without explicit approval."

In my mind I see Eren again, inviting me to join his table for dinner and getting punished by his peers for it. I don't know if that was because they didn't wish to eat with someone of an older generation, or because I am the man who had sent their friends to their pointless deaths, and I have no desire to find out.

Levi glances at me, noting my silence. I heave a sigh.

"Do you really want conversation? It must be hard enough trying to eat and breathe at the same time with a blocked nose."

Levi scrapes together the last bits of rice and sauce from his plate; the term "wasting food" does not exist in his brain. He also eats incredibly fast; I'm not even half done with my meal yet.

"Hmph. Like you'd care."

"I'm getting told all the time to shut up these days and yet when I do, this is the reaction."

"You're less unlikeable when you don't talk."

Perhaps I should be offended, but I am just finding this funny, which I hope is how Levi means it to be even if there is truth in his words. At the risk of sounding childish, I don't believe that anybody likes me; my function in this world is not to be liked, it is to be useful and trusted, to instil confidence. This is a fact that I have long made my peace with. And in that sense, until recently I have fulfilled my role very well.

"Then don't expect conversation from me."

He snorts. "What, because you want me to like you?"

"Do you like not liking me?"

"What's not to like about that?"

"I have no witty comeback, so I'll just shut up."

"Oh, very clever."

"Do I get a prize?"

"Sure. What do you want?"

That isn't a usual Levi reply. Caught off-guard, I bite back a smile as I finish my dinner. He is watching, so I better clean my plate.

"Really. What do you want?" Levi shifts closer to me, blanket cocoon and all, a hand sneaking out to reach for tissues.

"Certainly not your germs."

"Trees don't catch colds."

"Trees don't need much," I parry.

"I'm not asking about what you need."

I genuinely do not understand why he is asking, and this is much further than our conversations usually go. I don't know if I feel embarrassed, defensive or bewildered.

"Why do you ask?"

"Does it matter?"

"The cold virus has gone to your brain."

He wipes his mouth, doesn't respond, and even before he shuffles away again I can feel the air turn stale and heavy from the poison I spout. If he asks, I tell. If I ignore this simple rule, if I push even Levi away, who do I have left?

"I want to- " I start, then stutter. This is not a combination of words I'm used to. Something is missing - I want _you_ to, I want _them_ to, that is how I speak. I instruct.

And I dislike thinking too hard about what I want.

No, actually, I fear it. I fear it more than anything.

"Outside." I push my plate away and sit back. "I want to go outside."

Silence. I only just about manage to stop myself from making some apologetic remark about being selfish and irresponsible.

"Where?"

What difference does it make? "I don't care where as long as it's not underground."

After a moment, Levi pulls off his blanket. "Let's go."

What? "Levi, you're sick."

"It's not going to kill me. Come on."

 

The entrance shuts firmly behind us, separating me from humanity. Out on the ground it is the world of the titans, but I feel more at ease here.

The echo from the metal doors takes its time to die down. Levi adjusts the hood on his cloak.

"Here, or move?"

"This is enough."

"You literally just want to be outside?"

"Fresh air is good for trees," I tell him. A hailstorm is in full swing, I wouldn't try to travel even if I wanted to, and I honestly don't. "Are you warm enough?"

No answer, though I think he would have brought a blanket with him if that wouldn't get tangled with the gear. Titans tend to be much less active in darkness but that does not mean we can let our guards down.

"What do you want to do?"

"I just need a few minutes out here. That's all. Sorry."

"I mean after all this." He looks up at me. "You asked me that a while ago."

Strange, we didn't talk about these things when there was hope for victory. It feels like self-punishment to discuss them now.

"You can probably take a guess; it's very clichéd."

He raises an eyebrow. "Go to the ocean?"

"Not just go to it. I want to swim in it," I tell him. "Don't you? Everyone-" I mean everyone who knows about the existence of oceans, "- wants to know what it's like."

The question is meant to be rhetorical, but he shifts his gaze away.

"I can't swim."

I hope I've managed to contain my surprise. It shouldn't have come as a shock. Come to think of it, it would be a surprise if he had ever been taught.

"It's not difficult. I can show you."

"Hmm. I'll hold you to that."

I'm quite certain I'm not the person to say words like that to right now, since reality has shown that I cannot keep promises. "If we get to an ocean, then of course."

"Do you know where they are? Oceans?" He doesn't seem to want to dwell on that condition.

"I had an atlas under the floorboards of my old home."

"Tsk tsk, banned books. Isn't that a hangable offence?"

"If you keep that to yourself, I won't tell anyone you can't swim."

"Totally living dangerously, you and me."

One day, I will take Levi to the ocean and teach him how to swim - a barefaced lie, or an unachievable dream? Still, foolish as it is, I feel better.

Is this all I need, just a promise of some kind? Am I this wilfully gullible?

"Well, good news: my nose's frozen, it's not running anymore."

I smirk. "You said you'll live."

"I didn't say I was dying."

"You better not be; remember the chaos that took place when you were grounded with an injury? And with Hange and Eren plotting mayhem…" A thought suddenly comes to me. "You really don't know what they're doing?"

He arches an eyebrow at me. "No."

I sigh. "It feels like I'm leaving my fate to others."

"I've been doing that for years and I can recommend it."

My immediate reaction is to question that sentiment, but the words don't make it past my lips. He gives me another look.

"Are you constipated?"

"Why are you making me talk?"

"Stop asking questions and start giving answers, moron."

Damn him. Well, if I must. "You still don't mind just following orders even after the way Petra died?"

A pause. "She died the same way as everyone else."

"You know what I mean."

"I don't."

"I separated you from your squad knowing what might happen."

"I joined the corps knowing what might happen."

"But Petra was special to you."

"Hmm. She was the only other person from the army I've kissed, if that's what you're referring to."

Yes and no. "I thought you were seeing her."

"She did ask me out, I said no. But I kissed her cos fuck knows how long we were all gonna live."

I'm not entirely following that logic; not that I feel the need to. But I am suddenly glad that I never asked him out properly, because no doubt I would have been given the same response.

"Ah, I see."

"I couldn't be going out with her and sleeping with you; I have some morals."

"If my assumption insulted you, I apologise."

"No, just pointing out a fact."

"If you're going to be cold alone in your room you can sleep with me again tonight."

"Tree-sized hot water bottle? Yeah I'll take one."

If I have this to look forward to, then I don't need to be out here, braving the cold just to feel a little more like I am alive.

"Let's go back inside."

 

Levi sleeps on my left, his head on my shoulder, his body curled against my side. Drugged to his eyebrows with cold medication, he doesn't even protest when I play with his hair.

For a second I find myself wishing that he will never get better.

Hange thinks I need to find my heart, but I know exactly where it is. I just don't know how to get it back.


	3. Chapter 3

My sinuses are trying to burn their way off my face. Where's the rest of that-

-fuck. Right, moving is a bad idea. Brain rocking inside skull is painful. But those pills might sort this out, so I sit up anyway, feeling the pressure in my nose rise up, like it's trying to push my eyeballs out their sockets. Instinctively I keep my eyes squeezed shut.

"Erwin... pills."

I feel his weight shift, then something is pressed into my hand. I take the pills, drink from a mug he gives me, then lower myself down on the bed again. My head meets a pillow and that feels weird. A thought surfaces, but it doesn't push through the haze until half a minute later. Ah, shit. I must've slept on his shoulder all night.

"Your arm."

"It's fine." His hand is on my forehead, checking my temperature. "How are you feeling?"

"Dandy." Damn this, it's just a cold. I know I'm not considered young anymore but this is ridiculous.

"Do you want anything to eat?"

"No."

"Should I just leave you alone?"

Telling him to stay is being clingy, telling him to go probably makes me a dick and I've been trying to avoid that around him. If I tell him to decide for himself he will probably manage to twist it into something negative, given his recent mood.

Well, if those are my choices.

"Stay. But switch sides."

There is light coming from the gap under the door but it's still too dark to see. I do feel him freeze though, as if my answer is unexpected. He quietly moves over to my left.

"I've always thought you don't like sharing a bed."

I arrange us so that I'm on my side, turned away from him, his stump under my neck like a pillow.

"You tend to flip over and flatten me." But with his stump trapped he shouldn't be able to, and I won't be putting weight on his good arm.

"Sorry."

"What for?"

"Crushing you. I forget that you're quite small in build."

"Bullshit."

"It's true."

"I call you a tree all the time."

"Yes, but... I still forget."

Funny. "Next you're gonna say I'm a giant in your eyes."

He chuckles, and I growl at him; the shaking makes my head hurt. He mutters a half-arsed apology.

"I just don't think about it anymore," he says. "When I look at you I don't think 'he's only five-foot-three.'"

I'd call bullshit again if I didn't know the way Erwin's mind works - if you can follow orders and you can fight, then you are a good soldier, it doesn't matter what size and shape you are, if you are man, woman or kid who just graduated from training. These things don't occur to him. This is probably just something like that.

It comes across as pretty dickish sometimes, like he doesn't care about people's individual circumstances. But blocking something out requires a conscious knowledge that something is there to be blocked out. We both do it to make life easier. He just does it more comprehensively than I do.

But it does make me wonder about something.

"What _do_ you think about then, when you look at me?"

I guess I'm a lot of things. Sword arm. Occasional lover. Friend. This ventures into the part of my mind I've cordoned off to make things less complicated. Most likely I don't want to know, but the words are out and I can't take them back.

He doesn't say anything.

"I asked you a fucking question." One that I shouldn't have asked, but it's out there now and I'll have my damn answer. I can deal with whatever it is.

Just silence.

It's as much an answer as anything I suppose. That's fine. But right now it makes me feel kind of stupid being in his bed. Things don't stay awkward between us for long, but for now I'm going to vacate, headache be damned.

But as soon as I try to go, he turns towards me, his other arm drapes over and curls around me, preventing me from moving away. His legs shift, and then he's practically spooning me. His heart thumps against my back. Mine beats against his hand, maybe just as frantic.

This is his answer?

I can barely hear his whisper.

"Is this all right?" 

I can hear the nervousness in his words, feel it in the tension of his body.

I remember the first time he approached me, the same nervous voice, the hesitation.

I remember taking control, tugging him towards the kitchen, pushing him against the counter. His whiskey-flavoured mouth, his arm around the small of my back, his hand down my opened trousers. He asked me what I wanted. Anything at all. If it was his to give, it could be mine.

I remember what had went through my head, the ambiguity of his words, the possibilities that were being offered.

The hypocritical prick that I am had broken the rule about answering questions a long time ago: I didn't answer him. I didn't know how.

"I asked you a question, Levi."

I still don't know how.

"Got a fucking headache, can't think."

Just a minute ago I wanted to know what he thought and was going to bugger off because he wouldn't say anything. Now I have my answer, one I should have known but never dared to believe, and I don't know what to do with it.

"...I see. Sorry, forget that I asked. I'll let you sleep - "

Goddammit Erwin. Give me time to think!

"Don't fucking move. You're jostling me." I clamp my hands on his stump. "This is just right for my head."

A long pause. "I'm glad that arm is still useful."

"You mind?"

"Not at all. It's yours."

Mine.

 

The first time Mike did it I'd punched him. Eventually, like everyone else, I got used to the sniffing. It wasn't a frequent thing anyway, he only did it to new people or when he thought something might have happened.

"Hmm..."

I gave him a "I'm tired of your shit" look. "What?"

"Erwin smells like you again today."

He knew I was sleeping with Erwin then. "He showered."

"He did. I can still tell."

"You know that's creepy right?" I said. "Do I smell like him?"

"Hmm... you do smell a little different today."

My skin crawled. "I'm going to wash again."

"A bit spicier. More strongly of freedom."

"Freedom," I repeated, wearing my most unimpressed expression.

"Freedom. How interesting. Maybe Erwin does have a scent after all, but I can only smell it when it's on you."

"When it's on other people?"

He shook his head. "When it's on you. I've never picked up this tint on anyone else. Levi, are you two...?"

"Are we what?" I glared at him.

Chewing his lower lip, he regarded me. Then he shook his head again. "Sorry, I'll keep my big nose out of your business."

By which he probably meant he would ask Erwin instead.

Later, probably after having gone to Erwin and sniffed him all over again - or maybe more, judging by what he did that time he got drunk - Mike had the oddest smile for hours. And for the rest of the day, I resisted trying to sniff him, to check if he smelled like Erwin.

Mike knew that too, and kept waggling his eyebrows at me when nobody was looking, his smirk just visible under very well-groomed facial hair.

Bastard.

By that night, I was so worked up that the moment Erwin and I were alone, I started ripping his clothes off. And I would have fucked him if there was lube and he'd let me, or made him fuck me, but as usual I got him off with my hands instead. And again, as soon as he'd recovered.

Afterwards he asked me if something was wrong. I said Mike wound me up. Erwin had no idea what it was about; apparently he only saw Mike once in the morning.

Erwin and I never agreed to be exclusive, but that doesn't mean I like the idea of other people touching him.

The other day he said that his amputation repelled people. It made me _happy_.

I've never said I am a decent human being, but sometimes even I disgust myself. 

 

The sound of knocks on the door wakes me up. I am still exactly where I was when I drifted back off to sleep, and so is Erwin. There is a pause, and then another series of knocks.

Erwin puts his hand over my ear. It doesn't block out very much, but I do appreciate the gesture.

"Yes?"

"This is Eren, sir! Sorry to bother you on your day off!" Eren sounds like he is bordering on panic, as usual. "The major sent me!"

"What is it?"

"Oh, er," Eren was probably expecting to be told to come in. "Have you seen Captain Levi? He was supposed to be on duty since an hour ago and we're getting worried."

No wonder Hange sent him. She must think she's being really funny.

"Levi is - "

I brush Erwin's hand away and raise my voice, cutting him off.

"Tell her I'm busy."

"Ca-captain? What if she asks..."

"Fucking. Tell her I'm fucking and getting my protein."

After several seconds of silence, there is a hesitant "yessir," followed by hurried footsteps. Maybe I should feel sorry for Eren, but I don't. He should be used to our banter by now.

Behind me, Erwin chokes on a laugh.

"You are determined to traumatise Eren."

"Hange started it. But I do need to go." I push myself away from him, hopefully not-so-gingerly. The headache isn't entirely gone yet. He gets up too.

"What do you need to do today?"

"General maintenance. Checking for leaks and cleaning the ventilation grills."

"You're sick. I'll go."

"I'll work it off. I'm five-foot-three, not five-years-old."

When I glare at him, Erwin dips his head towards me very deliberately. "How are you going to do cleaning? I don't think we have a stepladder."

I should be pissed off, but after last night this is just really funny. "And with your one hand you think you can do better? Or is there now a cleaning attachment for your stump?"

"At least I can reach."

"I can get Eren to bend over and then stand on his back."

"After what he heard just now, perhaps it's not such a good idea to tell him to bend over."

"It's the best idea, just for the look on his face."

"I hadn't realised this was what you meant when you said you would take responsibility for him."

But there's no point arguing. He's already getting changed, so I do the same, getting out of the t-shirt he'd lent me to sleep in last night - it's made me look like the little girlfriend who'd stayed over, I just realised - and pulling my own clothes back on.

"I'll be back in my room." Because I really am not his girlfriend and it'd be weird to stay here by myself. Not that it hasn't been weird since last night.

I have a lot of thinking to do. And I'm not very good at it. Given how much I can't stand the fact that he isn't mine, a decision should be easy. And yet...

"Should I come and check on you later?"

I turn away from him. "I'll look for you."

"...Understood."

 

In my room, I lock the door and run over what happened yesterday in my head.

_"What are you and Hange up to?"_

_We flew through the Third Street, once destroyed by Annie Leonhart and now again by the flood of titans. I'd say Stohess was cursed but the state of it was pretty much the same as everywhere else now._

_Eren glanced at me, then aimed for a rooftop. I landed seconds after him. It was pretty hard for two people to travel in parallel using the manoeuvre gear, so it was nigh on impossible to have a conversation without shouting. There was nobody out here to hear us except for titans, but while I was ready to cut down any that approached us, I'd rather save my blades for when they were absolutely needed._

_We looked about us. There were titans dotted around but they didn't seem interested in us. It was the deviant class that we needed to watch out for._

_"We think... there may be a way to get to the basement of my old home in Shiganshina." He studied at his own reflection on one of his blades. He seemed to do that quite often. "We don't know what we might find there, maybe it's too late to help us, whatever it is. But..."_

_I could imagine Hange refusing to sit on her arse until the titans left. But to keep something like this to themselves was unacceptable, and I wasn't even someone who stuck strictly to the rule book._

_"How long has this been going on for?"_

_"A few weeks. Armin's helping us too, we're studying the movement patterns of the titans whenever we're out here. Most of them head straight for the capital, so we thought maybe... we wanted to tell you, but it's hard to get you alone for long enough to talk. There's always people around..."_

_I arched an eyebrow. "Cos you want to keep Erwin out of this?"_

_"Commander Erwin has been acting kind of... odd. Hange said let's not tell him for now, but to run it by you since you know the commander best."_

Odd. That was one way to put it. Erwin is suffering, laden with guilt over an unachieved goal - and fuck, it wasn't just any kind of goal was it, it was the ultimate responsibility, it was humanity's freedom. I wouldn't call everything he did a gamble, that'd make it sound like he just randomly pointed in some direction while blindfolded and told us to go that way, but the stakes were high and the battle was lost and the price was paid.

I knew people who were forced, for one reason or another, to abandon what they knew and live life underground. At least back then it wasn't a physical prison; "underground" was more a concept of life with a different set of laws. If you were good enough at the game, you could make a living out of it and still have your own home, and put on clean clothes, walk on the streets, see the sun, sit on rooftops. Like I did. It didn't start like that for me, yes I knew how it was to live in the sewers too. But I played the game and made it work for me.

This, right now, is a different kind of existence. This is a literal cage. Most people are adapting - after all, humanity built itself a cage called walls and had lived in it for hundreds of years. But how is Erwin, who found the walls too small to contain him, supposed to live in this matchbox?

I know why he wanted to be outside last night. It wasn't freedom but it was the closest thing. Away from the humanity he'd saved, it was an attempt to stop thinking about the humanity he's lost. Not just humanity as in people's lives - his own humanity.

_Eren was staring at me, waiting for some kind of response. Shiganshina. I didn't know what they'd worked out but there was no way this would be easy, and even if we made it it might all be in vain._

_"Erwin's not ready," I said. "Keep working in it, I'll make up something convincing to tell him."_

_"Thank you, captain."_

So I lied to Erwin. Still, he asked twice - his intuition must have picked up something, but he trusts me enough, I hope. I can't keep this up for long, I don't like lying, it takes too much effort to keep track of what shit I've made up and this is something that can potentially free him from this hell.

But Hange was right. If we're going to do this, we're going to make it worthwhile and when we're well prepared, not when Erwin's like this.

They say that I know Erwin the best. I don't know if that's true, maybe it is, since Mike's dead. But everything I "know" are just guesses; neither of us are the type to talk about ourselves, we just feel our way like blind men with walking sticks, navigating using common sense and mutual respect. And that has served us well, but it's no longer enough.

Life has changed. Erwin likes to talk, about having neglected the safety of the team, about how maybe I'd prefer to sleep with other people instead, about wasted lives and broken promises. We all tell him to shut up because those are not the things he should care about right now. I need him to talk about himself, tell me what he wants. I need him to look forward. Going outside last night was a start; it confirmed my suspicion about how being underground was affecting him, and he talked a bit about what he wanted.

I hadn't realised I am one of the things he wanted.

Scratch that, that's a lie. He told me from the start, I just wasn't prepared and in any case, it'd be stupid because it'd compromise his leadership. The idea is archaic but it's still true: being known to have the occasional fuck with your subordinate is fine. Pick the right person - the thug who takes no shit from porcine politicians and who is pretty good at killing titans, say - and it'll even tighten your grip on power. But being actually _involved_ with that subordinate will do the opposite. Erwin has enough enemies within the walls, he doesn't need his own soldiers to question him.

I'm not saying a demonstration of power was why Erwin picked me to start with, and even if it was I wouldn't begrudge him for it. It wasn't as if he never gave me the choice - ha, a decision I had to make - and I got what I wanted out of it.

But an actual relationship with him would have boiled down to this: a bad idea.

I didn't believe him anyway. He didn't really want me like that. He was under a crazy amount of pressure and wanted some comfort, and I'd always been discreet so I was the obvious choice. It's just the same thing again this time.

Fuck.

I won't beat around the bush - I want him, yes. I'm familiar with death but if he died I don't know if I can deal with it. And I hate the fact that I don't own him. Where I can I try to make his life easier, be it relieving the stress on his remaining arm or delivering so much result out on the field that no one can question his ability to lead. I remind him that although in name he's the one who calls the shots, we share our regrets.

That's how it is, even if it's sick and soppy.

And he wants even more from me? The greedy bastard.

I fucking love it when he's like this. When he wants things for himself and he'll take risks for them. Like our first time, knowing what he might lose if it all went wrong. Like last night, stepping into titan territory because he wanted to.

I should be happy. He's doing this for himself _and_ basically saying that he'd be mine. _Erwin Smith wants me. Maybe he even -_

I wish I can convince myself that's true.

 

When meal time rolls around I drag myself towards food and to grab some more pills along the way. Erwin isn't there. I sit down at a random table, and soon it starts to fill up, people whose faces and names I'm starting to remember. I make a warning about having a cold and they wisely shuffle away from me a little, chair legs scraping along concrete floor, but after a moment someone puts down a tray opposite me.

"I've got a cold. You don't want to sit there."

No response. I look up from my plate and see Mikasa Ackerman. She sits down, eyes lowered. I don't think she's heard me at all.

"Mikasa," I say. She looks up briefly, and I nod at her in greeting, not voicing the rest of what I meant to say. She seems out of sorts and she's going to take it the wrong way if I tell her to sit somewhere else.

"Captain," she replies.

End of conversation. She stares at her food. She has no cutlery. Definitely not having a good day there. I grab the spoon I'm not going to use, putting it on her tray.

"Th-thank you."

"Hmm."

We eat in silence. People are staring now. I suppose two of us together is a strange sight - black hair is a rarity in this caged world. When Eren first joined us after the court martial, Hange investigated on the alleged murders and apparently Mikasa was once kidnapped because of her hair colour. Maybe that's why I get the offers and approaches I do.

I finish my food first.

"Captain?"

"What?"

"Do you know if... if..."

I don't know what she wants to ask but the canteen where we catch all the attention doesn't look like the place for it. Besides, all this activity isn't helping my headache.

"Finish your food. We'll talk in private."

 

I shut the door and lock it.

"Well?"

Mikasa's gaze is fixed on her feet. "I... I was wondering if the captain would know... if Major Hange and Eren are up to something."

I see. Eren, that little shit, he's kept Mikasa in the dark about the plan for Shiganshina even though it's her hometown, she's one of our best, and we'll definitely need her to play a part.

I shrug my coat off and hang it off a peg. "Why do you ask me?"

"Because you don't sugarcoat things. If you can't or won't tell me you'd just say so, whereas other people would just blow me off or tell me not to think about it."

She's got me there.

"And is your question a professional or personal one?"

Her face flushes pink. "Both, sir."

"As far as I know there is nothing personal going on. As for the rest, I'll make the little bastard tell you about it himself."

"Thank you, captain..."

"One thing."

"Sir?" She stands to attention. I flick my wrist at her, telling her to relax.

"Do you understand the situation we're in?"

"It depends on what you really mean, but I think I do."

"How much faith do you have in us getting out of this alive?" I ask, and she gnaws on her lower lip, not answering. Well, I'll make it easier. "For me it's about 50/50."

"I guess I feel about the same."

She's very smart and chooses clever answers. I approve. "Is there anything you want to do with your life?"

"I... well..."

"Don't tell me. But think about it, and think about if you can make it happen. Don't assume this safety will lasts forever, don't trust these bloody bunkers. One stomp in the wrong place by a titan and we might all be dead."

Her eyes fixed on me, she nods slowly.

"That's all."

She hesitates, but then smiles. "Yes, captain."

This is tiring. I sigh. "I'm not issuing an order. When we talk like this I'm not your captain." I've been through this with every one of them, but it doesn't always work. Petra once said she just liked calling me captain all the time because there was a nice ring to it. I made a remark about how it must have a nicer ring to it than my own name, and she got all worried about how she must have offended me.

And then there are those who get it straight away. "So... is this what you're doing as well... Levi?"

"I'm thinking about things first, because I'm a hypocrite."

I shoot her a look, and her smile takes on an amused edge. Then someone knocks on my door, which is the perfect cue for this conversation to end.

"Now piss off so I can blow my nose in peace."

She answers the door for me, letting Eren in and letting herself out. He seems surprised to find her here, she doesn't look at him at all.

"Thanks again, Levi."

"Hmm."

The door shuts again, leaving Eren standing there, mouth hanging open. I sit down and take off my boots, ignoring him for now. Urgh, I think I need a shower.

"Captain?"

"What do you want?"

"Commander Erwin wanted me to check on you, sir. He said you're not feeling well and he didn't see you at lunch. Just in case you have a fever or want lunch brought to you..."

I wonder if Erwin mentioned anything about bending over. He doesn't always join in on our jokes though, and when he jokes there is almost always another point behind it. Sending Eren is saying that he agrees it's funny to use him as a general dogsbody, but also that he's aware I probably don't want to see him right now.

"I ate lunch with Mikasa."

"With Mikasa, sir...?"

"Something wrong?"

"Nothing, captain! So how are you feeling, should I get a doctor for you?"

"Don't need one. Just tell me something: why haven't you told Mikasa about what you're planning with Hange and Armin?"

I count the seconds as Eren's face becomes more and more comical.

"Crap, haven't I? I kind of assumed she knows already!"

"She doesn't. Go fix it."

"Yessir! Thank you!"

Other people's issues are always so much easier to fix.

 

I have a pretty tough immune system; by dinner the cold, or whatever it was I picked up outside, has mostly cleared up.

When I go to Erwin's room, he is feeding the gecko with the crickets Eren and I picked up yesterday from a pet shop, and Hange and Eren are watching the proceedings with great interest. I can barely stop myself from shuddering.

"Aren't there any gloves?"

They all give me a funny look. To be fair, Erwin is using a pair of tongs of some sort, but it still feels disgusting to watch. And that's not what I'm here for anyway.

I tell Erwin I'll come back later, and as I half expected, he asks me to stay and gets Hange and Eren to leave instead.

"Levi-"

"Wash your hands, then get your manoeuvre gear; we're heading out."

 

We get a shade further than we did yesterday, away from the entrance of the bunker so that if titans spot us there wouldn't be instant destruction.

"Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah. Weird one-day flu."

"I'm glad," Erwin says. "Kind of."

"Kind of?"

He does that verbal constipation thing again, and since last time I got more than I bargained for, I'm not in the mood to push him again, so I just snort and look away.

Then I hear him say, quietly under his mask, "I was hoping you still wanted a tree-sized hot water bottle."

Don't say things like that, I don't know how to handle it.

No, it's okay. He liked that I was ill. I liked that apparently nobody else wanted him because of his arm. It's fine. But we need to talk about this.

Fuck, how do I start? There is no way I can say anything without it becoming an accusation.

"What do you want from me, Erwin?"

Turning a statement into a question is the easiest, I guess.

"What do I want from you?"

"You're allowed to think about it first."

And then our conversation is broken off by the sound of an approaching titan. The moon is bright enough for me to see it: a small one, not even a five metre class. It reaches the foot of the building we're standing on and starts to paw its way up. A deviant. It's very slow and we can avoid it easily enough, but I zip towards it and cut it down anyway. Erwin can't kill anymore - you can't slice a chunk out of the neck with just one blade - so I'd rather eliminate threats as I spot them than give them a chance to gather together.

"Good work," says Erwin when I land beside him.

"It's hardly taller than you."

"Tiny titan."

"Hange's gonna be mad that she didn't get to play with it."

The thought makes us both smile.

"Thank you for taking me out."

I arch an eyebrow. "You make it sound like a date. It's not."

"Given the circumstances, dates would be pretty hard to accomplish."

"I'm not asking for one."

"I know." He looks at me. "I don't suppose you even want to try a date, just to see how it goes?"

I can't believe I'm talk about about this with Erwin Smith. "What, so that you can wine-dine-sixty-nine me?"

He frowns. "That's... not what dates are all about, usually."

"How would I know."

"Is this like swimming? You've never done it?"

"Is it that weird?"

"I suppose not." A pause. "Would you allow me take you on one, when we go swimming? Nothing serious, just for a laugh."

"For a laugh? Did you just say you'd do something for a laugh?"

"Hmm, I must have lost my mind. But while we're at it, is there anything else you haven't done before?"

I roll my eyes. "A tonne of stuff. Own a pet. Get a massage. Sit on a swing. Grow a beard. Sing in public. How long a list do you want?"

"Wait, does this mean you sing in private?"

"Yeah, I shimmy in front of a mirror with a hairbrush pointing at my mouth," I deadpan.

He literally gapes at me, then puts his hand on my shoulder so that he wouldn't double over laughing. A couple of minutes later he takes a deep breath, and wipes tears from his eyes.

"Thank you, I needed that."

"Sure." Just doing Mike's job, really.

"Right, the rest I can understand, but the recovery centre had massage services. You'd never used it?"

"Letting people rub their hands on me? Disgusting."

"But you have no trouble giving massages."

"It depends."

He chews on this. I hope he doesn't read too much into it. Or does read too much. I don't even know what I meant to start with.

"Would you let me-"

"No."

What the fuck am I doing? What am I afraid of?

"Ah, okay."

And why is Erwin backing down so quickly? "What were you going to say?"

He seems surprised. "It's just that Mike used to say I give good shoulder rubs. I thought it might be something you'd enjoy."

Mike, huh. A feeling that's clearly jealousy grips me.

"Just shoulders, sure."

I have sex with this man, I'm not going to have a problem with him touching me, I bet he knows this too.

If he's determined to be my first in some way, I can indulge him.

 

"You can keep your top on."

Then I shall. I shuffle and sit down crosslegged on my bed. "I thought this is where you're finally going to introduce the oil."

Erwin does a double-take. "Not unless that's what you want."

Him and his ambiguous words. "Shoulders."

Five seconds later and I'm wondering why I'd rejected all my life the idea of someone being very kind to my muscles. He comments on how knotted up I am, and I remind him he has the other shoulder to look forward to. We stay like this for a while before he attempts conversation.

"Mikasa said you gave her some life advice today."

Let me guess. Eren reported back to Erwin that I was okay and I had lunch with Mikasa. Then Erwin went to check with her. He's thorough like that and I've learned not to be creeped out.

"I told her to think about the situation and what she wants to do. It's not life advice."

I can hear his breathing. "Then what is the next step, once she decides on what she wants?"

His thumb digs in somewhere between my shoulder and my neck, and it's so sore that I draw a breath between my teeth. But he keeps at it, switching to the heel of his palm to rub in soothing circles.

"Then she explains to the people she wants things from."

The pain very slowly dissipates. I dip my head, waiting for him to say something. But I've taken a whole day just to think, I'm not going to be annoyed with him for taking his time.

"Levi, I… don't want anything more from you."

I stay quiet.

"Watching you take down that titan earlier, I asked myself what else you can possibly give me, and I drew a blank. You've saved me in so many ways. You've put your trust in me. You give me your time and your attention. You're still here, after I broke my promise to you that I'll show you freedom. What more do I want?"

The bastard, talking as if I'm some kind of saint. "You don't want more, or you don't think you are allowed more? Isn't there something you are aiming to get out of me?"

Lifting my face, I meet eyes with him through a mirror on the wall. My words have struck a nerve.

"You're questioning my motives?"

"I'm questioning your motivation." Maybe it's the same thing, but it sounds less sinister to my ears. I'm no wordsmith, I can't talk my way out of trouble, convince the superiors to give us more funding, or even just get my point across, as it turns out.

Life was so much less complicated when we used to talk less.

Fuck, he's looking like… I don't even know. Like he has a problem no amount of alcohol can drown out.

"We should stop talking." I shift away from him, swinging my feet off the bed. "I'll find some oil or something. Let's fuck."

He grabs my arm to stop me. "Levi."

"What do you prefer? I'm good both ways."

"This isn't like you at all. Why are you reacting this way?"

"Talking's bad for us."

"After you wheedled all that out of me? Now you don't want to know?"

"Yeah, it's not fair. That's life, suck it."

His grip tightens, nails that are a fraction too long digging in. "I'm not even asking you to return my feelings. Does the fact that I love you offend you?"

I freeze. "You _what_?"

We stay like that for long moments. I can hear the blood rushing in my ears.

_Erwin loves me?_

"I don't have a motivation. It's simply how I feel."

Bullshit. So much bullshit.

"So? What do you want?"

"Nothing! I've already told you."

"Don't bother with the crappy lies. Come on, let's hear it."

He studies me and I grit my teeth, meeting his stare as squarely as I can. Then the look in his eyes changes, like something's snapped. He leans in, now I am aware of the heat of his hand on my skin, burning hotter than the vapours from any titan.

"Is this another one from your list?"

The anger in his voice is like nothing I have ever heard from him before, but I don't even understand his question. "What list?"

"Levi, has no one ever told you they loved you?"


	4. Chapter 4

I might as well have thrown a bucket of ice-cold water over Levi.

He gives me no reaction. Perhaps he is shocked, humiliated, too angry to speak.

What have I done? Even if it was true - and I can feel my heart _burn_ from the very idea - I have no right to point it out. I have no right.

He wears his neutral expression, the one that always concerns me the most. I let go of him.

"I'm sorry."

He climbs off the bed, walking away. I stand as well. "For what?"

For a moment I think he is being sarcastic or rhetorical, but Levi is rarely those things. I try to answer his question - for asking about something I should not have dared to touch on, for the very fact that it had to be asked at all, for expressing my feelings, for not expressing them sooner.

I thought he knew. I thought it was blatantly obvious at this point. But I should never have said anything to start with. Levi doesn't want this, I have already been reminded when we talked about Petra. He only kept asking because he didn't understand his own question. When he finally suggested we needed to stop talking, I should have listened.

"For…" I start, and now I'm shocked and humiliated and angry with myself. "For… me. For what I've said."

Turning slowly to face me again, he frowns at me. "I don't understand. But as long as you're not feeling sorry for me, then good."

It is time to stop talking, Erwin Smith. Apologise again, and leave.

I heed my own advice.

 

There is makeshift bar at one end of the bunkers, set up and looked after by a few soldiers and civilians. These underground places had been used as storage vaults during better times and there is alcohol aplenty, though the selection leaves something to be desired.

"Commander?" A familiar voice says as I take my seat. I look up to find Armin and Mikasa on the other side of the bar constructed out of fibreboards and bricks.

"Good evening."

"Before you point it out, we aren't helping out just for a chance of having some alcohol," says Mikasa, although I was not going to say anything, as it has not occurred to me that it would be an issue. She reaches under the bar to retrieve a clear bottle filled with a dark amber liquid and serves it to me - it's whiskey, which I don't think we have here. "Commander Dawk left this for you when he last visited."

Good old Nile. He might have pointed a gun at me once but he remains a friend. "Thank you."

I was planning to abuse my title as the commander and push the alcohol ration limit slightly, but if Armin is here I need to set him a good example.

The whiskey smells dark and smokey. I take a sip.

Sod it.

I drain it and gesture for another.

"Long day, sir?" Armin says conversationally as he refills for me. They are both clearly new to alcohol; I have never seen a glass filled so high, as if it was water.

I nod and smile. It is not difficult; my control over my body language played a large part in how I get my way, and get away, with things back when I had people to answer to.

"A lot to think about." I raise my glass. "This tends to help."

"Thinking," says Mikasa quietly. "Everybody seems to be doing it these days… maybe it's because of how long we've spent here…"

"If you'd like to try the whiskey, you're welcome to it."

"Oh, not at all. It's just that Levi mentioned he has things to think about as well."

Levi.

"Levi won't be touching this." I put down the whiskey for now. "It would be a waste; he holds his drink far too well."

Armin chuckles. "I was hoping to see the captain drunk some day. Guess it won't be easy."

"He'll drink this place dry and there'll be many unhappy people," I say, wanting to ask whether Levi mentioned what it was that he had to think about, but knowing that even if he shared it with Mikasa - unlikely - Mikasa would not be sharing it with me.

I suppose it was about what I did this morning. Which I should regret, maybe, but I don't anymore. The only thing I am regretting at the moment is asking Levi if he had ever been told he was loved, to hurt him in such a way. The rest, I'm beyond caring.

I need to thank Nile for this whiskey; it's working very well. Nile is a good man. Levi has never rated him highly, but I know the amount of pressure he used to be under, juggling between keeping the central government happily in the dark and meeting my requests as discreetly as possible. He said it was because he was finally fed up with central, but it was still a dangerous balancing act that drew much admiration from me. I'd thought that one day I could tell Levi about it, just so that poor Nile gets the recognition he deserves. Maybe I still should.

But for now I need to stop thinking about Levi.

I upend my drink again, point at it, saying thank-you when it's filled once more.

The first time I had sex with Levi, I had been drinking whiskey too.

"Commander… maybe you should take time to enjoy your drink?"

I smile again, drain my glass, hand it back, and leave.

 

I pad towards the door to open it, but nothing happens. Then I realise I am trying to use the wrong hand, the one that is not there anymore. When I finally answer, Levi looks at me, scrutinises my face and begins to frown.

"You caught my flu after all."

"No, I just had a few to drink last night."

He blinks, then wrinkles his nose. "I can tell. Your breath reeks."

"Sorry about that." I brush my hair out of my eyes - dammit, wrong hand again, it turns out I lose retrained coordination after drinking - and turn away from him, walking back to my bed.

I can hear Levi close the door. "For someone the size of a tree, you're surprisingly lightweight."

"Talk to Mikasa and Armin about serving sizes."

It is comforting that Levi still talks to me. He's always cool-headed, and forgiving.

A pause. "Do you want to swap with someone then, or wait it out?"

I have to stand and think hard for a few seconds before realising what he means - we are scheduled to go out on a two-day expedition today, the first one since taking a break for my arm.

I can't believe it, how irresponsible am I? Levi is dressed and ready to go. I am in my underwear and trying to use a phantom arm to do everything.

"Sorry." I hardly know what else to say. "I think I will be fine in a couple of hours, but - "

"Stop apologising, I'm sick of it. We'll go later."

"But if you think I'll become a liability, then I'll find someone to swap with. Who do you want to pair up with?"

"I said we'll go later." He huffs, and rolls his eyes. "Get breakfast; Hange won't stop talking about how I'm draining you of your protein. And brush your damn teeth."

Levi is in a good mood. Now I truly don't know what to say.

"Yes… mother."

"I've packed our provisions. Let me know when you're ready."

"Yes..."

"Seriously. Can't take you anywhere."

And then he is gone, leaving me confused, but relieved.

 

We head south today, over Wall Rose to the optimistically-named Utopia district just behind it. There should be a gas generator that is small and mobile enough to be relocated for our use, although we will need to see if it is still in serviceable condition.

Most of the journey is made without conversation, as it is unnecessary and distraction is unwelcomed. Going outside the bunker is no simple task; it is the same as going outside the walls back when the walls still held. I travel some twenty yards ahead of Levi, determining the direction according to where we can anchor our wires and where the titans are. Levi's sole task is to watch over me. Several times the sound of his gear fades away from behind me or becomes much louder, I do not look back to check because there is no need to.

We go over Rose and find somewhere near our destination to stay the night, a house near a bell tower which can provide anchorage should we need to escape. The first thing Levi does is to check if the possibility of making tea exists, locating mugs, tea bags and kettle. A struck match coaxes the stove to life, and not too long later we are removing our masks to drink. The rotten stench of death permeates the streets outside, but the windows in this house had been closed when we arrived and the air is comparatively more breathable.

"You pushed it too hard," he murmurs not quite accusingly, blowing on his tea. He drinks it with his hand over the top of the mug, as usual - I still don't know how he does it, or why.

"We started out late and I wanted to find somewhere to stay before it got properly dark," I explain. "My shoulder feels fine."

The explanation is deemed satisfactory, and he wanders to the windows, looking out. Not much snow has accumulated here, I guess it came from the deeper north and much of it was blocked by the wall which looms over the town. It gives the illusion of the beginning of spring, but the light is waning fast so this view will not be available for much longer.

There are framed photographs on the windowsill. Children who lived in this house, I presume. Three of them, all dark-haired, one probably just old enough to walk. They catch my attention, for some reason. I wonder if they are safe in a bunker now, or rotting somewhere.

Suddenly Levi, uncharacteristically, gasps. "Holy shit, Erwin."

"What?" I follow his pointing finger to the garden beyond. It takes me a while to spot it in the dim light. "Oh my."

"Can you cook?"

That is one question I do not remember ever being asked. "I'm sure we are capable of boiling sweet corn."

He puts his mask back on. "Let's go."

 

The cold has slightly damaged some of the vegetables, but they are fresh from the ground, washed meticulously by Levi and then boiled, and I feel guilty for having so much pleasure in my life right now. The situation has not allowed the soldiers to harvest much of what was left growing above ground - farms are scarce as they are, and flat areas are unsafe - so fresh vegetables have run out weeks ago.

"It's not pickled. What is this insanity."

I chuckle around my mouthful of beans and proceed to put some of what is on my plate onto Levi's. He narrows his eyes at me.

"Eat your greens," I say, "or you won't grow tall."

"Shit, you talk like Hange," he responds, but doesn't give the food back. "Shouldn't have reminded you I'm five-three."

"If I'm a tree, then you're a bush."

He arches one unimpressed eyebrow at me.

The world is infested with titans, which may choose to come this way any minute. The air here does not smell any better than that in the bunkers. The tale of my life is one of struggles and failures, outmanoeuvred at every step until many probably wonder why I am still alive, and think that I have no right to be. But I am with the one I cannot bear to lose, who is all teeth and claws but also compassion and forgiveness, who makes me weak in the knees but strong in my heart. And every little thing that he does - lifting of his brow - or allows me - mocking his height - makes me forget about the troubles when it matters the most. Moments of respite like this nourishes and strengthens me.

If Mike were here, he would be laughing now.

"What does a date involve?"

"Pardon?"

"Dates. What happpens in them?"

The sudden question takes me by surprise, and I don't actually know how to answer. Is this a continuation of our conversation outside, last night?

"Usually… going somewhere, spending time together… hopefully learning about each other and enjoying each other's company, I guess."

He's finished eating. "You guess?"

Time for a little admission, I suppose. "It's not something I have done much of."

"Spent your life chasing titans."

"Yes."

"Hmm." He leans back into his seat, the sword boxes of his gear resting on the edges of his chair. "I've never been asked out on one. Except for Petra."

And me. I feel a little affronted that he neglects to mention me, but I know he doesn't do it with malice. I did make it sound like a joke. "Your situation has always been complicated."

"No, I'm simple. It just didn't happen." He folds his arms in front of his chest. "It's not like I ever asked anyone anyway."

Why are we talking about this? "Why not?"

He shrugs.

I think I know why. Levi is freedom. In our walled world, freedom is not a concept most people can even grasp. It entices and fascinates, but they do not comprehend what they are seeing. They want a fling and then return to the safe familiarity of their cages. And freedom does not care for those who cannot embrace it.

But then what does that mean for me? The fact that he indulges and tolerates -

"Having a good time?"

What is it now? "Yes…"

He actually smiles. "Good."

The first explanation that comes to mind is that he is trying to console me after what happened last night. But is that truly it? That time, when I accused him of overadjusting, he told me I was wrong. He said that we were the same.

We have gone somewhere together, talked about ourselves and enjoyed each other's company.

Oh.

Oh.

Levi tips his seat, the back of it hitting a wall so that it balances on just two legs. "So the kids told me they accidentally gave you about five times too much to drink last night, and you haven't died of alcohol poisoning."

"I… I know my limits."

"And decided to hit them. Was something bothering you?"

He is teasing me. It is hard to believe but this is what is happening. When he said last night he didn't understand why I apologised, he meant it. He was not offended or angry at all. And I would have known if I had not panicked, assumed the worst and walked away.

I feel very much the fool that I am, and the feeling is delightful.

"Well." I bring the mug of tea to my lips, trying to come up with something to say. I am not a witty man and cannot deadpan nearly as well as Levi can and truth to be told, I am too giddy to think right now. I am as giddy as a teenager touching the hand of someone he likes for the first time.

Then his chair lands back squarely on its feet. His smile has faded somewhat, replaced by thoughtful contemplation.

"We talk better outside."

An undisputable fact. I nod, biting back words about how I am a more tolerable person outside the bunker. He already knows, and he does not care. I don't need to be told to shut up again - even this comes as obvious to me when I am outside, when I could not fathom the reason while underground.

I know what I need to do: claim the world back as ours.

I put down my mug. "A little self-important of you to think you can affect me." He is right, but still.

"Oh? But you'd do anything for freedom."

He wins this one. Levi always wins.

Then something changes. A shift in the air, a tremor in the floorboards, I cannot tell what it is, but I am reminded of where we are. It cannot be titans; Levi's instinct is far sharper than mine and he would have reacted by now.

He looks up. I get out of my seat and he walks ahead of me, sword in one hand and lantern in another.

By the time we are on the second floor, we can hear it. Levi puts his weapon away. I hold my breath, stand at the stairs that lead up to the attic, and clear my throat.

"Hello."

The latch opens. A knife appears first, then I see a face. A teenager whose face I recognise from the photographs downstairs. A survivor. Even after so many weeks. He seems surprised, but calm.

"Hello," I repeat when the boy stays silent for long seconds. Maybe he is deaf, or mute? "I am from the army. My name is - "

"Commander Erwin Smith, and squad leader Levi," says the boy, and he puts the knife down. "I know who you are."

From behind comes Levi's soft hum as if something interesting has occurred to him, but my surprise must be written on my face, because the boy's gaze softens.

"I'm Victor." He shuffles back and opens the latch fully. There is a younger boy hiding behind him. "Victor Erwin Dawk. And this is Giles. Nile Dawk is our father."

Levi and I exchange a look.

It's a strange end to our first date, but I think neither of us mind.

 

The impromptu visit to the bunkers causes two problems, the first one being gaining entrance as I have not brought the keys, but Levi has his ways of getting past locks so we don't have to sound their bell.

The second problem is trying to keep a straight face as Levi stares at Nile and says, "Victor Erwin Dawk. Victor. _Erwin_. Dawk," and actually starts laughing. "That's a shit name."

To tell the truth, Nile doesn't care about what anyone has to say right now. He has three sons, the middle one had died of illness around a year ago and the other two, whose names I just learned are Victor Erwin and Giles Mike - oh, Nile - were presumed dead when they were not on the rescued list and they were not there when he went home. I don't think I need to describe the anguish he went through.

His two sons were out with their mother when the walls fell. They got separated during the chaos, and Mary was saved. The children hid away and gradually made their way home, living on dried food and what grew in their garden until Levi and I arrived, with no idea that it was Nile's house. Now I do recall him saying that he had moved his family out of the capital in an effort to keep them further away from a central government which he no longer trusts.

His family has reunited and his children are the very meaning of human tenacity. Nothing can touch Nile right now.

And I feel like nothing can touch me either. Humanity can reclaim the world, that within as well as outside the walls.

"We should go."

Levi gives me a look. I test my arm. I am a little tired; travelling became harder work with a three-year-old strapped to my front, but I can make it back without slowing us down.

"Nile! We'll be going."

Nile actually extracts himself from his family and goes to the doors with us. "Hey, you two…"

"Another bottle of whiskey and we'll call it even."

He laughs, face still wet with tears from earlier. The sobs of his wife and the laughter of his children echo down the corridor, and these cold concrete walls feel warmer than before.

And then Levi speaks. "Nice house, by the way."

"Ha, thanks."

"Nice bed as well. We liked it."

"What? What the - "

"Don't mind him," I interject. "See you, Nile."

The doors lock behind us.

"Nile is not Eren."

"So?"

"He was in a class with Mike and me. That makes him far harder to traumatise than you may think."

"Challenge accepted. Next time I'll talk about what positions we've done it in."

"Levi, are you just very keen to tell people that I'm yours?"

"Problem?"

Not the first time I have been rendered near speechless today. "We haven't done it yet, you have nothing to tell."

"Erwin, are you just very keen to get fucking?"

"Problem?" I copy him, but then add, "actually I haven't been thinking about it, hope that doesn't offend."

"You're thinking about chasing titans."

"Yes, yes I am."

"Good."

 

I study the notes and refine the strategy. Armin is good, but he is not quite there yet.

My drafts litter the floor, each iteration an improvement on the previous, though every one of them drawn with the same shaky left hand. Armin picks them up and studies them, putting the pieces of paper in sequence. He will learn this way, I do not care to mentor him right now.

But there is a crucial point.

"Sir, which one of us will go?"

Someone needs to take command; battle situations are ever-changing. And someone should to stay behind to maintain order.

Levi, who has been silent all this time, pushes himself off the wall he has been leaning against.

"You went onto the back of the Armoured Titan and cut Eren free with an arm chomped off. You can't kill, but don't fucking say you can't fight."

I put my pen down.

"We are both going. Armin, go put up a notice for me: there'll be a briefing tomorrow, after breakfast."

After Armin leaves, Levi locks the door and comes over to me.

"Are you done?"

"More-or-less."

"So I can do you now?"

"I'm all yours."

 

And the world is ours.

 

"Now what."

Levi has clearly been expecting this to be harder, but he takes to the water the same way as he took to the air, effortless and - I will say it even if it makes him cringe - graceful. It is infuriating. I had harboured vague hopes that he would find learning to swim difficult.

I had been envious in the beginning. Since joining the army, he had picked up within mere months all the things I have spent a lifetime to perfect: horse riding, swordsmanship, use of the manoeuvre gear, the control of your own fear before the titans, the trust and respect of our peers, and just the right amount of dependency and fear from our superiors.

But everything that Levi had been, all the skills that he had, were mine to use. There was no place for my envy.

He floats on his back. His body bears the marks of the gear harness after years of use, as well as scars of battle, just like mine.

He notices me staring.

"What?"

The water that now laps at our skin, water that is free and belongs to the ocean, cools and soothes the scars our previous lives have left on us. Some things will never heal, and lives that were sacrificed will never return. But at least we have this.

And now…

"Your hair needs a trim."

"So do your nails."

"Are you offering?"

"Go find a beautician. I'm sure one or two survived."

"Never mind. I can just bite it."

"Fuck." He doesn't look annoyed at all; I think he likes it when I verbalise my need for his help. "Fine, I'll do it."

We get out of the water, cross the beach, back to where we've tied our horses. Levi complains about sand between his toes as we get dry. He snorts when I hand him a bottle of fresh water and a bar of soap for him to wash his face and hands.

"It's a long ride back. This is to preserve my own sanity from your complaints."

"I'd have brought my own if you'd told me the water's salty."

"I had read about it, but didn't know if it was true."

We get dressed.

"Now what?" Levi asks again.

Now what, indeed.

"Go back and help with the clean up." And then think about the future. "You like cleaning, don't you?"

He grabs me and kisses me, then mounts his horse and walks off, but I manage to catch his smile anyway. And there is nothing I want except that.

"You're a shit date, Erwin."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if anyone was waiting to see how they were going to get rid of the titans - this was never set out to be that sort of action fic, for me it's always been a slow, simple story about how people cope, learn and change. Sex scenes don't seem to suit the pace either so there aren't any. It really doesn't matter who tops or how they did it (Nile might get to hear all the details though, apparently this Levi's definition of fun is to make people uncomfortable). XD
> 
> This story's been a weird one and I know it's not to everyone's taste, so if you've made it this far, thank you very much! Hope you enjoyed it.


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